The Pain of Saying Yes

Always with the onset of Spring, I am reminded of the prospect of new life. All of a sudden, the days are longer, the sun seems brighter, and the deadness of winter dissipates with the first blossom. Trees that once were barren are now adorned with the most beautiful colors that only God could create. Expectancy is in the air as nature shows us possibility in what is new; it’s as if nature itself is inviting us to new life. As with any invitation, there has to be a response. Another thing that is celebrated in the Spring is the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Easter is a time where Christians reflect on one man’s decision to say yes. 

If someone came up to me and said, “I would like to give you a million dollars. Do you want it?” After establishing that there was no ill-intent or any catch or scheme, I would respond with a resounding yes. That seems like it’s a pretty universally easy yes. How about if you applied to the highest rated university in the world and not only do you get in, but they offer you a full scholarship, including housing and stipend. Again, with no hesitancy, I would say yes. It doesn’t seem like there would be much pain in those decisions, does it? Well, let’s think about it. Becoming a millionaire puts you in a whole new tax bracket and before you know it, the government has told you how to spend the money you thought was yours free of cost. Well how about that full scholarship? The stress of maintaining an adequate grade point average (i.e. pulling all nighters, sacrificing social activities, etc) would make you wonder if the money was worth it.  

Let’s take a look at Jesus’ “yes.” God came down in man form to live the perfect life that we should have lived, yet died the death we should have died in our place. Three days later He rose again declaring victory over death, the only obstacle holding us back, and offering the gift of salvation to those who believe and say yes to Him. In John 17, we see Jesus’ anguish before he is arrested. He is begging, pleading to His Heavenly Father to let this cup pass from Him. How does one see the pain ahead and say yes anyways? He knew He would be beaten beyond recognition. He knew He would be whipped to the point that the flesh was torn from His body. He new people would scorn Him, spit on Him, take His clothes, humbling Him to the lowest possible position He could be. He knew His friends would betray and reject Him. He knew all of this, and still said “yes.”

In that moment, Jesus gave us an invitation. With His death and resurrection, He offers us the possibility of new life. What does that new life look like? Is it free of pain? No. Is it free of conflict? No. Does your life get easier after you say “yes” to Jesus? I answer with a resounding NO! Then why should we say yes? One of the most profound things about God is He works in the opposite way that we think He should work. For Him, the way to gain patience is to let us go through situations and not immediately answer or deliver us from them. Longsuffering begets patience. For God, death comes BEFORE life. We understand it as we’re born, we live, we die. No, for God, you have to die in order to live. Look at Spring. There would not be this beauty if there wasn’t first a winter. The trees had to die in order to live.  There is pain in saying yes, but there is death in saying no. Say yes to life, say yes to God.  

Real Talk with Straight-Up Sarah

This weekend I was blessed with the ability to share with female college students at our annual Fall Retreat. I decided to post what I spoke on because I feel like God is calling more and more people to receive His love and healing. I hope this blesses you :-)

 Righteousness

 It’s such an honor to be able to lead the women’s discussion group this year. I’m also a little glad that we are not having another discussion on relationships, marriage, purity, etc, etc. If this is what you were expecting, sorry bout that. I know it’s a huge part of what we as women desire but there are things that I think about other than getting married. I mean I wanted to get married right after college, that was two years ago, I think it’s safe to say that I might need to focus on something else. With that being said, today we’re going to talk about righteousness. You hear that word a lot discussed but never really defined and dissected. So let’s think about it for a minute. Righteousness. I was an English major so immediately my mind went, “ok, the –ness suffix denotes quality or condition, so righteousness means the quality or condition of being right. So what does this mean in a Christian context? Righteousness, simply put, means having “right standing” before God. When preparing for this message I did a Google search for righteousness described in scripture. I found scriptures such as 1 Timothy 6:11 which says, “But you, man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness” (NIV). Here’s another good one, 1 Peter 3:12 which says, “For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their prayer, but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil” (NIV). Proverbs 21:3 says “To do righteousness and justice is desired by the Lord more than sacrifice” (NASB). I saw these and I was like, “Ok, that’s cool. It’s the bible so it’s God’s word and it’s right” but I didn’t really feel comforted. These scriptures just made me want to strive, when I know that other places in the bible say striving is moot. So what is the essence of righteousness? I was thinking about how I personally relate to God with regards to my own righteousness. I realize that I might be a little skewed in how I view righteousness. I’m going to get a little personal with you guys. Growing up it was my duty to be the best at everything, particularly grades. I have an older brother who didn’t really try in school so it wasn’t that hard to pass the standard he set. I devoted myself to making good grades. I was a complete teacher’s pet. In elementary school I was the IT girl. I was even asked to sit on a panel of people who decided whether my principal was going to be named principal of the year. By high school, having good grades was second nature. It wasn’t even a question. There are three things that really stand out to me about why I wanted good grades in relationship to righteousness with God.

 1. Good grades got me good gifts. When I got straight A’s my gift was like $300. I got paid. For someone with no bills that was a pretty good paycheck. That’s every report card, so for the year I could potentially make $1,200. Along with that, we would go to my favorite restaurant Outback Steakhouse. My favorite meal there is the Alice Springs chicken. I think I likened righteousness, or doing good deeds to this. I was always in a position of leadership. I was always ready to serve. So any time I would get blessings some part of me would be like ok, well I deserved that because I’ve been doing such and such. It felt like I was in right standing with God because all of these good things were happening and I was striving in serving in ministry. 

2. Not only did I get great gifts, but I earned my parents approval. My mom gave me so much attention whenever I got good grades. This increased when I got to high school and started to get awards and acknowledgement. My mom beamed and bragged and just gave me so much attention that I had no other choice but to keep it up. I come from a broken background where my father left us twice and my mom was emotionally unavailable. However, when I got good grades, I felt like I earned and received their love and approval. I do this with my relationship with God too. It’s like the more I do “for Him” the more I think I deserve His love. It’s like I go to Him and say, “Here God! Look what I’ve done now! Look at me now! Love me now!”

 3. The biggest thing I can look back at now and see about striving with good grades is as long as my grades were good, my parents didn’t really look at the real issues in my life. It was like good grades meant I was fine, bad grades meant I wasn’t. I know that this wasn’t the healthiest relationship to have with my parents but this was it. Good grades were my front. I was fronting. They covered up the real issues going on with me. I might have been struggling with crippling depression but my grades were good so no one noticed. I might have had serious issues with men in my life but my grades were good so no one noticed. I might have been making some of the worst decisions I’ve ever made but my grades were good so no one noticed. I realized that that’s how I was treating my relationship with God. I’m serving in Every Nation so I must be alright. It doesn’t matter that I was really dealing with depression again. It doesn’t matter that I was having a real issue with lying. It doesn’t matter that I was literally losing my mind, as long as I was still serving, still leading a life group, still singing on the worship team. They were my fronts. I thought I was being righteous and just giving myself willingly.

 This is what I really want to focus on today. How many of you are thinking to yourself, “Ok, as long as I’m serving, hey I showed up to a retreat, hey I pray and read my bible” but all along not dealing with the real issues. How many of you are dealing with depression, dealing with a problem in a relationship, dealing with lust, dealing with masturbation, dealing with having been abused…These are just a sampling of the issues that I know are attacking the hearts of the women here. When I let myself really see the true issues of my heart I panicked. I knew that there was no way God could be alright with this. I knew that there was no way I was in right standing with Him. I knew that there was no way He could really love me. I had a thought, if I was the only one He had to die for, would He die for me? Did He really see me and my issues when He died on that cross? If you’ve ever, like I have, thought like this I’m here to tell you that God sees all of the junk in your heart and still chooses you. He still offers you the free gift of righteousness. He still loves you. He knew that there was no way you could by yourself fix the issue of your heart so He took the initiative. Isaiah 64:6 says, “All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags…” Do you know what a filthy rag is? It is like your used pads and tampons. That’s what the bible is comparing your “righteous” deeds to. I’m not saying don’t do any righteous deeds because going back to 1 Timothy and 1 Peter God does place a value on it. We are to do them out of love and knowing that through Jesus we have right standing with God. If righteousness is a gift…let’s think about what a gift is. Let’s say I give you a car. This is a brand new, custom, tailor-made car for you. I give it to you for free, because I love it. If you get so consumed by trying to make it up to me that you ignore the gift, it’s a slap in my face. Part of the joy in giving a gift is seeing the person enjoy it. It makes my day when I give my friends a gift that I know was picked out just for them and they go crazy excited. It blesses me. If we’re rejecting God’s free gift because we don’t think we deserve it and we’re just trying to cover ourselves, it’s a slap in His face. He’s throwing the keys to us and we’re throwing them back at Him. It’s out of love that He blesses us. I love Titus 3:3-8 in the Message. It says, “It wasn’t so long ago that we ourselves were stupid and stubborn, dupes of sin, ordered every which way by our glands, going around with a chip on our shoulder, hated and hating back. But when God, our kind and loving Savior God, stepped in, he saved us from all that. It was all his doing; we had nothing to do with it. He gave us a good bath, and we came out of it new people, washed inside and out by the Holy Spirit. Our Savior Jesus poured out new life so generously. God’s gift has restored our relationship with him and given us back our lives. And there’s more life to come—an eternity of life! You can count on this.” You can count on this. You can count on God. I want to just take this time and let us all evaluate our hearts and see what our motivation is for doing what we do. This is a time for letting God come into our hearts and heal what we need. You can get into groups of people who you trust to just share and pray for each other. I encourage you to be real. Say out loud what you’re dealing with. God already knows and He wants to heal you.

I'm different, but so what?

My whole life I have always known I was different. Even as a child, I indescribably felt that I was set apart from other people. Physically, I couldn’t help but stand out. I was 5’1’’ in 3rd grade, I was taller than my mom in 4th grade, and by 5th grade I towered over most people at my elementary school, including my teacher, at the ripe ole height of 5’6’’. Even beyond my hard-to-miss stature, I knew I had a different personality than others. I was the kid that all kids, even the so-called weirdoes, flocked to and felt safe with. My whole life people have told me, “There’s something different about you.”

Unfortunately, for most of my life I have fled from being that girl. I didn’t want to stand out. I am awkwardly clumsy because I’m not quite sure how to handle my physical stature. I have shied away from titles of leadership because I didn’t want to be the one that was seen. I believed in Jesus at a young age but I never spoke outwardly about my relationship with Christ. I always sang in the church choir and I remember wanting to lead songs but not wanting to lead songs because I knew I wasn’t good enough or I didn’t want to be noticed. I remember my freshman year at UNC this guy randomly said to me, “You’re a Christian, aren’t you?” and I sheepishly said yes while in my head I was screaming out “Not again!”

There was a pivotal moment in my life where I realized that I was made to stand out. I mentioned earlier that I believed in Jesus at an early age. I was six and God miraculously healed me from a crippling disease. One day I was paralyzed from the waist down, the next, I was walking. I knew it was the power of God that healed me. I knew I loved God and I knew He was real and I loved to serve Him, but I never quite grasped what it meant to give my life to Him. When I got to college, I did everything to prove that I wasn’t the goody-two-shoes that I have been called my whole life. I went to clubs and sought unhealthy attention and gratification from men. By the end of my freshmen year I was nearing a crossroads; I could live for Jesus or live for me. I was then presented with the gospel of Jesus, the truth. I was separated from God through my sin. I could never through my own efforts fix that separation. God took the initiative and came to earth as Jesus and died as a sacrifice so that I could have access to God. In order to have that access, I would have to repent, meaning turn away from/stop doing what I was doing, and turn to Him. This is truth. You have a choice to accept it through faith, or deny it. Through God’s grace I accepted it.

Someone recently encouraged me to look back over my life and see how God has pursued me. I see now that He has set me apart, not for my own benefit or for me to get attention, but so He could use me. In Jeremiah 29:11 God says, “For I know the plans I have for you…” God has called all of us to be set apart. Romans 12:2 says, “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” Ephesians 2:10 says, “For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” I was created to be a 5’10, musical, writing, caring, loud-laughing, motherly, quiet yet strong, and silly woman of God. I’m different, but so what? I’m supposed to be.

A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes

A dream is a wish your heart makes…

Many women can remember back to when they first heard those words beautifully sung by a beautiful princess. Cinderella was just waking up from a lovely dream and ready to begin her day when she begins singing this memorable tune, “A dream is a wish your heart makes when you’re fast asleep…” It was a great foreshadowing for what was to come in her life. At that point in the story, Cinderella was under conspicuous control by her evil stepmother and two stepsisters. However, she remained joyfully singing and interacting with her dear friends, the mice and birds who solemnly helped her in her everyday chores.

I don’t recommend forming close relationships with wild animals, I do, however, recommend taking a lesson from Cinderella’s life. She was in solitude, restricted from outside influences, continuously reprimanded for nonsensical things, constantly torn down with words, yet always singing, always hoping, and always persevering. How did she do it? I have never been so obscenely oppressed yet I have on occasion lost my joy, lost my song. What did she have inside of her?
Cinderella’s life wasn’t always corrupted by her evil stepmother. She had a father who doted on her and who continuously reinforced her worth. She was raised to believe that she was a princess and that she was worthy of love. She knew real love. This love was so real that even after her father passed away and her stepmother and sisters took such advantage of her, she was still able to dream, to sing, to be joyful…

Unfortunately fatherlessness is a disease that has run rampant in our society. Too many people today know the distinct wound left by a father who did not fulfill his duty. There is no other feeling of worthlessness that comes than from a father who was never there or might has well have never been there. But, praise be to God, the Heavenly Father, that He has a heart big enough and a hand strong enough to hold and heal every broken heart. He longingly waits for the chance to tell us how beautifully and wonderfully made we are. He is anxious to heal. He is mighty to save. Cinderella’s father’s love does not compare to God’s love for us. His love is sacrificial, that He came to earth to fix the broken bridge between us and Him, that we might have access to Him forever. All one has to do to have access to Him is to believe in Him with your heart, and confess with your mouth that Jesus Christ, God in man form, died for your sins but rose again with all power in His hands.

Cinderella could dream because she knew that beyond circumstance she was a princess. I can dream today because I know beyond circumstance that I am a daughter of THE King. Psalms 37:4 says, “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.” I delight myself in Him that I might know who I am in Him. I freely dream dreams that are too big for me to accomplish by myself, knowing full well that He placed them in my heart in the first place. The same way Cinderella marries her prince, in a more extravagant way than I’m sure even she dreamed about, I can’t wait to see my dreams come to pass, exceedingly and abundantly beyond all that I could even imagine.

I Have Big Feet

I have big feet. In middle school I tried to deny it. I would wear shoes that were definitely too small for me and as a result I have one too many memories of me falling on my own volition in the hallways at Fred J. Carnage Middle. In elementary school I was proud of my above-average stature. I was 5’1’’ in the third grade. Coincidentally that was the same year we had to read the novel Sarah Plain and Tall. Can you guess what my nickname was? By fourth grade I was taller than my mom and joked that she was too short to ride the rides at the state fair. In fifth grade I towered over everyone, including my teacher at the ripe old height of 5’6’’. When I got to middle school, my height slowed down a bit while my feet thought it best to keep growing. They decided that a women’s size 12 shoe was a good stopping place while the average women’s size is a 7. Immediately I was thrown into never being able to shop in department stores for shoes but having to settle for places where shoes were not the most durable. I grew so tired of the difficulty of finding shoes that I decided I would only wear tennis shoes, men’s tennis shoe’s at that. Being a 10 ½ in men’s shoes is much easier than being a 12 in women’s. That’s how I spent high school. I had one pair of black sandals with a square heel that I wore whenever I had to dress up.

Now, I can’t blame what happened in high school entirely on my shoe predicament, but it did not help matters. The lowest self-esteem I have ever experienced was in high school. My low self-esteem was not only depressing but crippling. I was at the point of committing suicide. I didn’t like ANYTHING about my body. The top complaints were bad acne, overweight, big breasts that got too much attention, and huge feet. I walked cowered over ashamed of my body, not wanting anyone to notice but assuming everyone did.

Recently, God has been healing my heart of different hurts from my past. His latest project has been getting me to accept my big feet. Psalms 139:13-14 says “I will praise Thee for I am fearfully and wonderfully made, marvelous are Thy works and that my soul knoweth right well” (KJV). This verse literally saved my life in high school and here God is using it again to teach me that He knows how He made me, and He loves how He made me. The New Living Translation says this, “You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.” Not only does God like my big feet, but my height, my face, my crazy-loud laugh, and a whole host of other things that I used to try to hide.

God has encouraged me to embrace the things about myself that others might look down on, or even that I deemed ridiculous. The thing about becoming new in Christ (2 Corinthians 5) is that not only does God renew and redeem your spirit but the whole you. In Christ there is freedom to be the “you” God made you to be. I can’t be any other thing then what I was designed to be. I don’t buy men’s shoes exclusively any more but save up and buy cute shoes at Nordstrom. I rejoiced so much when last year I bought my first pair of “big girl” black pumps. I have big feet and that’s ok. I also have a big God who made me. Cheers to that! Now, excuse me while I go shoe shopping!!!

Psalm 16

I think this Psalm is a reminder that worship isn’t just about the music or the singing but about our heart position towards God. This Psalm was written when David was facing persecution from Saul and was hiding amongst a people that worshipped idols. David was running for his life and without Christian community. This Psalm shows how he made it through that ordeal. Of course this isn’t the only Psalm written when David was in persecution but it shows where his heart is when he is facing opposition. He doesn’t retreat into himself and lament over his situation. My mom always says, “Your reality is not your finality.” David cannot take refuge in his situation so he takes refuge in God. David looked to the promise of God for His reassurance. Verses 5-6 says, “Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance.” Verses 7-11 are the crux of this chapter. David tells us how he is able to overcome his situation. He says, “I will praise the Lord, who counsels me.” I love that David is giving himself a pep talk. When we turn internal and dwell on present circumstance it is easy to forget the promises of God. However, David tells himself to worship God. David reminds himself of who God says He is, that’s who God says David is and what God says about Himself. David goes on to talk about the inheritance God promised Him. Verse 11 says, “You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.” The amazing thing about verses 8-11 is that Peter refers to them in Acts 2 during his first sermon after the outpouring of the Holy Spirit had just taken place, then Paul refers to it in Acts 13 in Antioch. Peter calls David a prophet who, “seeing what was ahead…spoke of the resurrection of the Christ, that he was not abandoned to the grave, nor did his body see decay.” I think this parallel begs the question, what happens to us when we worship? The mystery of God is revealed when we worship. As soon as David made the decision to worship God, the entire tone of the Psalm changed. There was no lamenting over a hopeless situation but an establishment of the confidence in the sovereignty of God. That's the promise of worship. That's the power of God.

This is my prayer in the desert...

“This is my prayer in the desert, when all that’s within me feels dry. This is my prayer in my hunger and need, my God is the God who provides…”
One of my favorite songs by Hillsong is “Desert Song.” I know, that’s a lot of songs in one sentence. This song is such a powerful anthem. It proclaims a choice that no matter what, God is still God and there is still a reason to worship Him. All of this is fine and dandy when the sun is shining, but what about when it storms? What about when your world is turned upside down? What about when your spouse dies, or your child dies, or you lose your home or you don’t have food to eat, or when it seems there is no one else in the world who possibly loves you? Is God still God then? The answer is a resounding yes.
The last year and a half have included some incredible moments where I have felt the manifest presence of God. When I would worship, more specifically when I would sing, I feel God’s presence. I could look at a sunrise and feel so overcome by the presence of God at the beauty of His creation. However, for the past month or so I have felt completely dry. It’s almost work to feel even a tinge of God’s presence, especially compared to what I’ve felt in the past. Admittedly there is fault in my own actions in creating what seems to be a chasm between me and the presence of God. I would listen to nothing but secular songs over and over again. Now, I am not saying that secular songs are evil and one has to ban them in their playlists. I enjoy the occasional John Mayer/Robin Thicke/John Legend combination. I am saying that if one is already starting to feel dry spiritually, the answer isn’t to weigh oneself down with music that does not glorify God or necessarily usher in His presence. So, I cut out the secular music but guess what, the problem wasn’t fixed. I finally admitted to myself that I am indeed in the desert.
Monday, I was praying with one of my friends and God gave me this vision of me being in a desert (big surprise). However, everywhere I looked and everywhere I went there was this well with me. God was showing me that yes I’m in a desert, but He is still with me. In the NASB version of Hebrews 13:5 God’s promise states, “…I will never desert you, nor forsake you.” Even in a desert, God will not desert you.
I wrote this blog in order to be transparent. At 23 I definitely don’t think I have all the answers. However, this is what I’ve concluded. I need to surround myself with things that bring life to me. For me these things are reading, writing, playing the guitar, and worshipping. [Worshipping and singing are synonymous for me because I can’t separate the two]. I also have covenant sisters that hold me accountable to reading my bible daily. It is important to not only read the bible but to declare its truth to yourself. Psalm 103 begins with “Bless the Lord oh my soul.” Even when your soul doesn’t feel like blessing God, DEMAND it to. Also, I sat down and asked God what He wants me to learn from this period. He wants me to learn how to find rest in Him alone. The great thing about God is when you seek after Him you will find Him (Jeremiah 29:13)
I won’t sit idly by and sulk through this desert period. I acknowledge that I feel dry. I feel so dry it’s practically arid. However, I am too in love with the creator of the universe. I belong to Him. He is the Lord God Almighty. His name is PROVIDER. His name is HEALER. “Desert Song” states, “ALL OF MY LIFE, IN EVERY SEASON, YOU ARE STILL GOD, I HAVE A REASON TO SING. I HAVE A REASON TO WORSHIP! This is my prayer in the fire, in weakness, in trial, or pain. There is a faith proved of more worth than gold, so refine me Lord through the flame.”