I'm different, but so what?

My whole life I have always known I was different. Even as a child, I indescribably felt that I was set apart from other people. Physically, I couldn’t help but stand out. I was 5’1’’ in 3rd grade, I was taller than my mom in 4th grade, and by 5th grade I towered over most people at my elementary school, including my teacher, at the ripe ole height of 5’6’’. Even beyond my hard-to-miss stature, I knew I had a different personality than others. I was the kid that all kids, even the so-called weirdoes, flocked to and felt safe with. My whole life people have told me, “There’s something different about you.”

Unfortunately, for most of my life I have fled from being that girl. I didn’t want to stand out. I am awkwardly clumsy because I’m not quite sure how to handle my physical stature. I have shied away from titles of leadership because I didn’t want to be the one that was seen. I believed in Jesus at a young age but I never spoke outwardly about my relationship with Christ. I always sang in the church choir and I remember wanting to lead songs but not wanting to lead songs because I knew I wasn’t good enough or I didn’t want to be noticed. I remember my freshman year at UNC this guy randomly said to me, “You’re a Christian, aren’t you?” and I sheepishly said yes while in my head I was screaming out “Not again!”

There was a pivotal moment in my life where I realized that I was made to stand out. I mentioned earlier that I believed in Jesus at an early age. I was six and God miraculously healed me from a crippling disease. One day I was paralyzed from the waist down, the next, I was walking. I knew it was the power of God that healed me. I knew I loved God and I knew He was real and I loved to serve Him, but I never quite grasped what it meant to give my life to Him. When I got to college, I did everything to prove that I wasn’t the goody-two-shoes that I have been called my whole life. I went to clubs and sought unhealthy attention and gratification from men. By the end of my freshmen year I was nearing a crossroads; I could live for Jesus or live for me. I was then presented with the gospel of Jesus, the truth. I was separated from God through my sin. I could never through my own efforts fix that separation. God took the initiative and came to earth as Jesus and died as a sacrifice so that I could have access to God. In order to have that access, I would have to repent, meaning turn away from/stop doing what I was doing, and turn to Him. This is truth. You have a choice to accept it through faith, or deny it. Through God’s grace I accepted it.

Someone recently encouraged me to look back over my life and see how God has pursued me. I see now that He has set me apart, not for my own benefit or for me to get attention, but so He could use me. In Jeremiah 29:11 God says, “For I know the plans I have for you…” God has called all of us to be set apart. Romans 12:2 says, “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” Ephesians 2:10 says, “For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” I was created to be a 5’10, musical, writing, caring, loud-laughing, motherly, quiet yet strong, and silly woman of God. I’m different, but so what? I’m supposed to be.

A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes

A dream is a wish your heart makes…

Many women can remember back to when they first heard those words beautifully sung by a beautiful princess. Cinderella was just waking up from a lovely dream and ready to begin her day when she begins singing this memorable tune, “A dream is a wish your heart makes when you’re fast asleep…” It was a great foreshadowing for what was to come in her life. At that point in the story, Cinderella was under conspicuous control by her evil stepmother and two stepsisters. However, she remained joyfully singing and interacting with her dear friends, the mice and birds who solemnly helped her in her everyday chores.

I don’t recommend forming close relationships with wild animals, I do, however, recommend taking a lesson from Cinderella’s life. She was in solitude, restricted from outside influences, continuously reprimanded for nonsensical things, constantly torn down with words, yet always singing, always hoping, and always persevering. How did she do it? I have never been so obscenely oppressed yet I have on occasion lost my joy, lost my song. What did she have inside of her?
Cinderella’s life wasn’t always corrupted by her evil stepmother. She had a father who doted on her and who continuously reinforced her worth. She was raised to believe that she was a princess and that she was worthy of love. She knew real love. This love was so real that even after her father passed away and her stepmother and sisters took such advantage of her, she was still able to dream, to sing, to be joyful…

Unfortunately fatherlessness is a disease that has run rampant in our society. Too many people today know the distinct wound left by a father who did not fulfill his duty. There is no other feeling of worthlessness that comes than from a father who was never there or might has well have never been there. But, praise be to God, the Heavenly Father, that He has a heart big enough and a hand strong enough to hold and heal every broken heart. He longingly waits for the chance to tell us how beautifully and wonderfully made we are. He is anxious to heal. He is mighty to save. Cinderella’s father’s love does not compare to God’s love for us. His love is sacrificial, that He came to earth to fix the broken bridge between us and Him, that we might have access to Him forever. All one has to do to have access to Him is to believe in Him with your heart, and confess with your mouth that Jesus Christ, God in man form, died for your sins but rose again with all power in His hands.

Cinderella could dream because she knew that beyond circumstance she was a princess. I can dream today because I know beyond circumstance that I am a daughter of THE King. Psalms 37:4 says, “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.” I delight myself in Him that I might know who I am in Him. I freely dream dreams that are too big for me to accomplish by myself, knowing full well that He placed them in my heart in the first place. The same way Cinderella marries her prince, in a more extravagant way than I’m sure even she dreamed about, I can’t wait to see my dreams come to pass, exceedingly and abundantly beyond all that I could even imagine.

I Have Big Feet

I have big feet. In middle school I tried to deny it. I would wear shoes that were definitely too small for me and as a result I have one too many memories of me falling on my own volition in the hallways at Fred J. Carnage Middle. In elementary school I was proud of my above-average stature. I was 5’1’’ in the third grade. Coincidentally that was the same year we had to read the novel Sarah Plain and Tall. Can you guess what my nickname was? By fourth grade I was taller than my mom and joked that she was too short to ride the rides at the state fair. In fifth grade I towered over everyone, including my teacher at the ripe old height of 5’6’’. When I got to middle school, my height slowed down a bit while my feet thought it best to keep growing. They decided that a women’s size 12 shoe was a good stopping place while the average women’s size is a 7. Immediately I was thrown into never being able to shop in department stores for shoes but having to settle for places where shoes were not the most durable. I grew so tired of the difficulty of finding shoes that I decided I would only wear tennis shoes, men’s tennis shoe’s at that. Being a 10 ½ in men’s shoes is much easier than being a 12 in women’s. That’s how I spent high school. I had one pair of black sandals with a square heel that I wore whenever I had to dress up.

Now, I can’t blame what happened in high school entirely on my shoe predicament, but it did not help matters. The lowest self-esteem I have ever experienced was in high school. My low self-esteem was not only depressing but crippling. I was at the point of committing suicide. I didn’t like ANYTHING about my body. The top complaints were bad acne, overweight, big breasts that got too much attention, and huge feet. I walked cowered over ashamed of my body, not wanting anyone to notice but assuming everyone did.

Recently, God has been healing my heart of different hurts from my past. His latest project has been getting me to accept my big feet. Psalms 139:13-14 says “I will praise Thee for I am fearfully and wonderfully made, marvelous are Thy works and that my soul knoweth right well” (KJV). This verse literally saved my life in high school and here God is using it again to teach me that He knows how He made me, and He loves how He made me. The New Living Translation says this, “You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.” Not only does God like my big feet, but my height, my face, my crazy-loud laugh, and a whole host of other things that I used to try to hide.

God has encouraged me to embrace the things about myself that others might look down on, or even that I deemed ridiculous. The thing about becoming new in Christ (2 Corinthians 5) is that not only does God renew and redeem your spirit but the whole you. In Christ there is freedom to be the “you” God made you to be. I can’t be any other thing then what I was designed to be. I don’t buy men’s shoes exclusively any more but save up and buy cute shoes at Nordstrom. I rejoiced so much when last year I bought my first pair of “big girl” black pumps. I have big feet and that’s ok. I also have a big God who made me. Cheers to that! Now, excuse me while I go shoe shopping!!!

Psalm 16

I think this Psalm is a reminder that worship isn’t just about the music or the singing but about our heart position towards God. This Psalm was written when David was facing persecution from Saul and was hiding amongst a people that worshipped idols. David was running for his life and without Christian community. This Psalm shows how he made it through that ordeal. Of course this isn’t the only Psalm written when David was in persecution but it shows where his heart is when he is facing opposition. He doesn’t retreat into himself and lament over his situation. My mom always says, “Your reality is not your finality.” David cannot take refuge in his situation so he takes refuge in God. David looked to the promise of God for His reassurance. Verses 5-6 says, “Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance.” Verses 7-11 are the crux of this chapter. David tells us how he is able to overcome his situation. He says, “I will praise the Lord, who counsels me.” I love that David is giving himself a pep talk. When we turn internal and dwell on present circumstance it is easy to forget the promises of God. However, David tells himself to worship God. David reminds himself of who God says He is, that’s who God says David is and what God says about Himself. David goes on to talk about the inheritance God promised Him. Verse 11 says, “You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.” The amazing thing about verses 8-11 is that Peter refers to them in Acts 2 during his first sermon after the outpouring of the Holy Spirit had just taken place, then Paul refers to it in Acts 13 in Antioch. Peter calls David a prophet who, “seeing what was ahead…spoke of the resurrection of the Christ, that he was not abandoned to the grave, nor did his body see decay.” I think this parallel begs the question, what happens to us when we worship? The mystery of God is revealed when we worship. As soon as David made the decision to worship God, the entire tone of the Psalm changed. There was no lamenting over a hopeless situation but an establishment of the confidence in the sovereignty of God. That's the promise of worship. That's the power of God.

This is my prayer in the desert...

“This is my prayer in the desert, when all that’s within me feels dry. This is my prayer in my hunger and need, my God is the God who provides…”
One of my favorite songs by Hillsong is “Desert Song.” I know, that’s a lot of songs in one sentence. This song is such a powerful anthem. It proclaims a choice that no matter what, God is still God and there is still a reason to worship Him. All of this is fine and dandy when the sun is shining, but what about when it storms? What about when your world is turned upside down? What about when your spouse dies, or your child dies, or you lose your home or you don’t have food to eat, or when it seems there is no one else in the world who possibly loves you? Is God still God then? The answer is a resounding yes.
The last year and a half have included some incredible moments where I have felt the manifest presence of God. When I would worship, more specifically when I would sing, I feel God’s presence. I could look at a sunrise and feel so overcome by the presence of God at the beauty of His creation. However, for the past month or so I have felt completely dry. It’s almost work to feel even a tinge of God’s presence, especially compared to what I’ve felt in the past. Admittedly there is fault in my own actions in creating what seems to be a chasm between me and the presence of God. I would listen to nothing but secular songs over and over again. Now, I am not saying that secular songs are evil and one has to ban them in their playlists. I enjoy the occasional John Mayer/Robin Thicke/John Legend combination. I am saying that if one is already starting to feel dry spiritually, the answer isn’t to weigh oneself down with music that does not glorify God or necessarily usher in His presence. So, I cut out the secular music but guess what, the problem wasn’t fixed. I finally admitted to myself that I am indeed in the desert.
Monday, I was praying with one of my friends and God gave me this vision of me being in a desert (big surprise). However, everywhere I looked and everywhere I went there was this well with me. God was showing me that yes I’m in a desert, but He is still with me. In the NASB version of Hebrews 13:5 God’s promise states, “…I will never desert you, nor forsake you.” Even in a desert, God will not desert you.
I wrote this blog in order to be transparent. At 23 I definitely don’t think I have all the answers. However, this is what I’ve concluded. I need to surround myself with things that bring life to me. For me these things are reading, writing, playing the guitar, and worshipping. [Worshipping and singing are synonymous for me because I can’t separate the two]. I also have covenant sisters that hold me accountable to reading my bible daily. It is important to not only read the bible but to declare its truth to yourself. Psalm 103 begins with “Bless the Lord oh my soul.” Even when your soul doesn’t feel like blessing God, DEMAND it to. Also, I sat down and asked God what He wants me to learn from this period. He wants me to learn how to find rest in Him alone. The great thing about God is when you seek after Him you will find Him (Jeremiah 29:13)
I won’t sit idly by and sulk through this desert period. I acknowledge that I feel dry. I feel so dry it’s practically arid. However, I am too in love with the creator of the universe. I belong to Him. He is the Lord God Almighty. His name is PROVIDER. His name is HEALER. “Desert Song” states, “ALL OF MY LIFE, IN EVERY SEASON, YOU ARE STILL GOD, I HAVE A REASON TO SING. I HAVE A REASON TO WORSHIP! This is my prayer in the fire, in weakness, in trial, or pain. There is a faith proved of more worth than gold, so refine me Lord through the flame.”

It's time to get on the offense...

Well, it’s football season. I don’t think only men get into the spirit of football. There’s something exciting about football season. I prefer going to games and being a part of the atmosphere. Some of my fondest memories at UNC involved dousing myself in Carolina blue, putting on my pearls to add a bit of class, meeting up with my friends at the student gate, and blazing off toward the midfield section, grabbing a few pompoms on the way. The air is overwhelmingly dense with the ensuing battle that is waiting to take place on the field in front of us: a battle of good (Carolina) verses evil (everyone else).

Life is a constant struggle between good and evil. There is so much pain and suffering in the world that most people have to live their lives day to day. Some people are so hurt that they are too afraid to hope for anything because the past has taught them to always expect to get hit. Life is about defense versus offense. The defense on a football team is imperative to the team’s success. Its sole job is to protect the home goal from the offense’s attempts at crossing the line of scrimmage or the goal line. However, if the defense has to continually play in the game because the team has a weak offense, the game has a good chance at being lost. Unfortunately, even UNC has had this situation in a game. The offense could never get past the other team’s defense, and our defense could not last 45 minutes of continual play.

I see so many Christians, myself included, always on the defense. There have been so many days where I’ve expected the enemy to try to come into my territory. After a while, the other team knows your weaknesses and even anticipates your next move. The enemy strategically hits you where it hurts the most. For me, it’s my self-esteem. All it takes is for me to have one negative thought about myself that can turn into a downward spiral of worthlessness.

In the same way that the offense knows how to attack the weaknesses of the defense, at some point it’s time for the defense to see that the offense is attacking them in the same way every time. If the defense always leaves a hole up the middle, all the quarterback has to do is hand the ball to the running back and there goes the first down and or touchdown. After so many times, the defense better close up that hole, forcing the offense to either try another route or force them into a turnover on downs.

It’s time to get on the offense. The defense has finally closed up the holes. Practically for me, it’s learning how to automatically speak truth over myself. 2 Corinthians 10:4-5 says, “The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” This is your WAR CRY!!!!! God has equipped us with the necessary tools to not only affectively defend ourselves but strategically fight against the attacks of the enemy. He has given us His word, truth trumps lies. He has given us worship, praise trumps pain. He has given us His spirit, life trumps death.

The Christian life promises persecution, yet the Christian life promises victory. Romans 8:14-17 says, “Because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by Him we cry, ‘Abba, Father.’ The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in His sufferings in order that we may also share in His glory.” Hillsong’s song “Desert Song” says, “I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ.” Praise the Lord that we are indeed victorious over our current situations, victorious over the impeding attacks of the enemy and victorious over anything that sets itself up against the truth that is in Jesus Christ. We have strong offense and strong defense. We will have a winning season. We are victorious in Christ Jesus!

Determining God's heart for us...

I went to the mall yesterday with my mom. We passed a newsstand that had two stacks of newspapers. One stack had a sign that said, “Good news, 50 cents.” The other stack had a sign that said, “Bad news, half a dollar.”

In a world where lies, deceit, unfaithfulness, discouragement, depression, and heartbreak run rampant, it is understandable why it is so difficult for us to truly grasp how immensely God loves us. Our hearts have been so desensitized to what true love is, we can hardly recognize it, and harder still, accept it when it is freely given. One of my favorite scriptures in the Bible is Ephesians 3:16-19: “I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.” A close look as these verses could possibly equip us enough to faintly comprehend the incomprehensible love God has for us.

• “Out of His glorious riches…” (God’s provision)
o God has dominion over ALL! He possesses all. Everything was made by Him and for Him. If that wasn’t the case, we wouldn’t have Romans 8:28. God said He will work through all things for our good. God works though all for His glory. He uses all to bring His name the praise, not because He needs a self-esteem booster, but because of what happens when we praise God. God wants us to find Him because He knows that we need Him. When we praise Him, we are connected to Him. That’s why we praise Him in spirit and in truth, qualities He posses. John 4:23-24 says, “Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshippers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the kind of worshippers the Father seeks. God is spirit, and His worshippers must worship Him in spirit and in truth.” When we connect ourselves to Him in spirit and in truth we then become connected to and have access to His glorious riches

• “Strengthen you with power through His spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith” (God’s presence)
o God doesn’t ask us to be strong, He asks us to rely on Him. II Corinthians 12:9-10 says, “But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” God knows that we have limits to what we can do by ourselves. That’s why He wants us to rely on His infinite strength. Also, it is important to realize, God doesn’t call the equipped, He equips the called. If God asks us to do something that is already in our ability, then we lose sight of who is really in charge because all we have to do is depend on ourselves. But, how much greater and stronger is the testimony if God calls us to move mountains or lead His people, or preach to the nations because He knows we can’t do that on our own, but with His strength. Then, everyone will be drawn to Him because they see Him through the way we rely on Him.
o The second part to this line is “through His spirit in your inner being.” God is ALWAYS with you. He sent the Holy Spirit to reside in us. John 17:23 says, “I in them and you in me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me.” Here, Jesus is praying before He is arrested. He declares that He will be in us just as God is in Him. How amazing is that? If we have the revelation of that state of being, then we really can have the faith that moves mountains.

• “And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God”
o When you are rooted and established in the knowledge of how much you are loved, you will be unstoppable. Rooted, like an oak tree that doesn’t just have one root, but an intricate network of roots systematically searching for the nutrients needed to support its giant structure.
o This mention of power alludes to the fact that the power does not come from you, but from the Spirit that is at work within you. We can not grasp the immense love God has for us in our own ability. It takes God to love God. We can try to grasp His love by meditating on the fact that He gave from Himself, to bring us unto Himself. Even this won’t help you fully begin to understand.

Pursue God in a way that completely takes over who you think you are. Discover how much God loves you in a way that makes you forget about false pretenses, insecurities, fear, and doubt. Seek His beauty. Seek His love. Seek His presence. Seek His assurance. Seek what He wants for you. Seek how He sees you. Discover how to live in His will. Discover how to relate to Him. Discover how He speaks to you. Discover His presence. It’s not what you can do for God. It’s about realizing He’s worthy and giving yourself completely to Him. It is selfish of you to hold on to what you think is right or righteous or is the right decision for yourself. Your life is not your own in the first place so how can you hold on to descriptions about yourself that don’t come from God? He is the answer. His love is the answer. His love casts out fear. He is the only one.